My Rant Answered

He just knows when to show me up.  Tuesday I rant about the difficult life I lead, all self pity and depressive thoughts.  And last night, He shows up with this...

I posted a pic to facebook taken with my iPhone, but it didn't truly capture the unbelievable color of the sky.  Because of the thunderheads in the distance to the west and also to the east there was a shadow that crossed completely over our house.  I should have taken a movie clip of it but by the time I realized what was happening and grabbed my camera it was darkening too quick.

Needless to say - THIS is the reason that even through the rants, I stay.

There Is Only So Much I Can Take

I didn't intend for the next post to be a rant, but it is going to be. 

One of the main reasons that I have not kept up with this blog to be completely and utterly honest, is because I can't. 

No, not I can't because I don't have the time, but no I can't because I have a piece of crap laptop that is 6 years old with a modem that is outdated, we live in the middle of the freaking country where I can't even have the opportunity to have DSL and I just don't have an HOUR to sit and wait for the sites to load that I need to get to using the wireless PC card that is now 5 years old setup through an EVDO wireless router that only gets 2.5% of the 54 max mps speed.

That's what I've been doing for the past 45 minutes until I finally told Cory I was using his laptop to write this post, that's right, not asked, TOLD, since he was the one that we decided needed one more urgently right now.

I guess I feel the need to be a bit bitter, self absorbed and downright openly frustrated at what's been happening in my household when it comes to technology and the ability for me to indulge in purchasing some for myself.  I tend to put off purchasing things that would make my life easier - all of our lives easier, since I'm the one paying the bills, running the majority of the household and keeping up with our day to day contacts with family, friends, school and the like on email, etc. for whatever everyone else needs.  (Technically I think that's a portion of the definition of a mother isn't it?)

So, with that said, I think I'm planning to indulge soon.  No we do not have expendable cash for the purchase and I don't exactly know how I'm going to figure out where to find the money to pay for it, but something has to give.  I cannot blame my husband (entirely) for this situation, because I did not bring up the issue with him until I am so far gone angry about it that it becomes a major catastrophe - which is entirely my fault, not his.  And if he by some act of God reads this, he will read it completely wrong and assume I am ranting at him, rather than my own stubborness.  However, not aiding this is what inevitably turns into his immediate reaction when I do finally break down - that we need to sell this place and move somewhere more convenient - never small steps with him, always have to jump off the deep end of whatever we are facing.  That's not my intention, but a little help in managing a solution would be appreciated - and again, my fault for not approaching it the way it should be approached.

Needless to say, my 5 days from now I will post and will continue every week...yeah, not likely until I get this figured out.  I thought I had my ducks in a row last week.  Turns out they decided to scatter.

I Hearby Vow

Seriously, this was the outlet, the method to my madness.  My ability to escape through words from my far too busy, 4:30am to 10pm-ish life.  And I have neglected it far too much in the past year.

So, beginning yet this week I shall commit to one thing for myself that doesn't involve making certain my 5 year old can say his memory verse without fail in front of his teacher, cooking at least 4 meals a week where we actually sit together and partake of it, having the newly done laundry folded at least within 24 hours of it coming out of the dryer, planning out our weekly grocery shopping trip (trust me, this couponing thing can be a burden) and the other myriad of other things that consume me each day that drain the living spirit from my bones.  Perhaps I will then hear more often the words dearest to my heart these days. 

"Mommy!  Look!  I did it all by myself!"

Unplugged in my life sometimes means the opposite it does for most. 

Go my children, and become.  Mommy has some becoming to do as well.

Stayed tuned.  (And if you don't see something in the next 5 days, better text me.  I may have forgotten this moment of self indulgence already).